In every person, there exist three separate ego states
In a group, each person might show a Parent, Adult, or Child ego state at any time.
People interact using three ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child. These states show how we act and feel.
The Parent ego state aligns your mindset with that of one of your parents.
It involves responding similarly to them, encompassing posture, language, emotions, and actions. This state appears in two ways:
- Active (responding akin to your parents).
- Indirect (responding as you wished your parents would have).
Imagine this: when your father told you off for doing something wrong as a kid, you might do the same when your own child misbehaves.
That’s the Parent ego directly influencing how you react.
The Adult ego is like having a wise mind. It helps us think logically and solve problems.
It improves as you learn and helps you get things done. Like assembling things or calmly dealing with situations, such as asking people to be quiet in the library.
Lastly, there’s the Child ego.
It makes you react as you did when you were young. But it’s not about immaturity; it has two sides — one where you act as expected and another where you act freely. This can bring out creativity and joy.
Watch how you react in different situations.
At the end of the day, think about when you acted like a Child, when you acted like a Parent, and when your Adult side took over. How much of your day was controlled by the Adult?
- Figure out the types your ego states come in.
If you notice the Parent taking charge, think about if it was direct or indirect. When the Child shows up, ask if it was natural or adapted. - Keep a diary and track your actions.
Understanding your ego states helps you know yourself better. Write down which sides showed up most in your day. As you keep track, you’ll see patterns. - Observe people around you.
While you’re out, pay attention to how others react. By watching them, you can understand them more and learn about ego states.
Goals are the game we’re constantly playing.
In the ‘insurance game,’ even if it seems like the agent is doing different things while talking, a determined player is actually hunting for potential clients or working on finding them.
Understanding the ego states helps us see the games people play.
When you talk to someone, you use one of your ego states.
Like when you make a decision (that’s your Adult state), scold someone for being loud in a movie (that’s your Parent state), or act spontaneously (that’s your Child state).
Sometimes, it’s clear what you want when you talk. But other times, it might seem like you’re using one state, but you’re actually using another. That’s when the goal turns into a game.
Picture two people on a dinner date. (If you’re single, I don’t mean to offend you, but let’s keep moving.)
After dinner, one asks the other to come over and meet their pet. Their date agrees, saying they adore animals. It might seem like a simple chat, but actually, both are playfully flirting without planning it.
Now, why is this a game? Because they’re not just talking about meeting the pet; they’re hinting at something more intimate.
In this story, these two are aware they’re playing a game. But sometimes, games happen without people realizing. The player might not even know what game they’re in or why they’re playing.
Recognize the games people play
- Think about the talks you had today.
Notice what each chat was aiming for. Did someone say something but mean something else? Could those have been games people played without knowing? - Watch out for the same games happening again and again.
Once you figure out what a game looks like, see if your friends do the same things often. Do they only do these with you or with others too? - Write down the games you spot.
Keep a journal of the games you see. Once you know the games people play, you might notice the ones you play too.
Games We Play Throughout Our Lives
At first glance, their discussion seemed like two adults talking about a business disagreement over money. But if you looked deeper, it was more like a parent talking to an adult.
The main aim is to build connections without having to play games. But since people are often busy, there’s not much chance for close relationships in everyday life.
That’s why a lot of our social time is spent playing games. Some games might only last one chat, while others can go on for years, and a few can even have serious consequences.
Consider the game called “Alcoholic.” In the behavior of someone struggling with alcohol, there’s a game with specific goals. The need to drink is just one move in this game that people around them keep going.
Picture an alcoholic asking for help. People might think they’re talking like a grown-up, but actually, they’re inviting others to join a game.
It’s like challenging others to make them stop drinking — it’s a rebellious move from the Child ego state. The ones helping might seem like grown-ups, but they’re actually scolding the Child.
When others get mad, it makes the alcoholic feel worse, which makes them drink more. In this game, the alcoholic ends up winning.
Also, there’s another game called “See What You Made Me Do.”
In this game, someone feels like being alone and decides to do something they enjoy, like painting.
Everything’s fine until someone barges in, like a roommate or kids, asking questions or seeking attention.
This interruption makes the main character lose focus, and they accidentally drop the paintbrush, making a mess. This makes them really angry, and they shout, “Look what you made me do!” As this happens again and again, people learn not to disturb them when they’re busy.
But it’s important to remember, even if the intruder caused the problem.
It was the main character’s irritation that made them lose focus and drop the brush.
Let go of the games that aren’t helpful to you.
- Figure out your ego states.
Think about which side of you is reacting in different situations. Is it your grown-up side trying to fix things, or is it your childish side making things worse? - Look at how you react to hidden games.
Remember the big reactions you had today and why they happened. If you got mad, think about why. Was it because someone else did something wrong, or were you playing a game of “See What You Made Me Do?” - Be mindful of the games you join.
Once you know the games you’re in, you can start to break free from the ones that hold you back. Write them down and notice when they happen. Eventually, you’ll be able to stop the games you don’t want to play anymore.
What do you think about it now? If you have any thoughts, feel free to share them here.
These ego states and games aren’t limited to couples; they’re the things we come across when dealing with others in real life.
